it’s not my first time around this terrain. i’m a veteran phoenix; each new era burning brighter than the last (and each crash becoming more silent than the one before.) i once again am meeting myself at a new beginning, eager and hopeful, but also somewhat…tired of the process. yet, i wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. i honestly think stagnancy is death to the creative soul. i believe it’s good to be shaken up every now and then, to have everything you’ve come to recognize become unrecognizable. i think it’s healthy to seek change, as often as one may like. artists shouldn’t remain in one place, for our works are external expression of our inward growth.
perhaps that is why i feel bored of my own works. i’ve been in a spiritual war for a number of years now, one in which i lost sight of myself and all that i was created to be. it felt as if i was being pulled in every direction and those i surrounded myself with were a part of that tug of war. it was…to be frank- a nightmare. i shielded myself and fought to recuperate what little bits of me were left.
in my most recent battle i found myself completely, only to realize that i didn’t recognize her anymore. i didn’t want to be her anymore. my experiences taught me valuable lessons that could no longer resonate with the person i once was, she wouldn’t be able to understand it. i had to shed her completely, along with her old life and the same old war she had been fighting.
i wanted to meet the warrior who was victorious in the end against the opposition, not the naive face that blindly walked into the war. so i did what i know best, i regenerated. and through that regeneration i was able unlock myself, unblock myself from what was holding me back as an artist. i decided to be as free as one could be because nothing but God can detain me, not myself or my 3am doubts.
here i am once more, boundless and unraveling, living as the creation i was made to be.