don’t you just hate depression and how it eats chunks of your time, your life, your essence? i’m struggling today and am feeling a myriad of emotions…still doing my best to avoid the trap of self-pity. parts of me wishes i had always kept to myself and remained faithful to my art, but i also understand without my experiences i wouldn’t have seen just how much being a creative meant to me. i would’ve continued to take my talents for granted. i now have a newfound gratitude for them.
i can’t help but to feel “rushed” now, as if there is so much to do, so much to make up for lost time. i keep telling my inner self to be still and quiet, what is for you has not passed you yet. i have strong faith in God and that is what has kept me going for this long. i may doubt many things, including myself, but my faith in God is the one thing i never doubt. i know He has held me through the darkest parts of my journey. it makes me smile to think of it.
still…i am human after all. the pressure of time gets to me. when i stand back and see all of the wasted minutes, the false friendships, the evil eyes, it makes me feel a need to rush to “catch up” to where i believe i should be. there is nothing worse than wasted potential. i need a constant reminder that everything has happened the way it has for a reason. and that i am not “too late” to pursue my many dreams and passions. if anything, my past experiences have helped pave the road that i am now walking on.
so if anything, it’s yet another thing to be grateful for.
thought i’d share a song that has always resonated in my heart and helped me through the rough summer of ’11. this song by Swedish dreampop band Summer Heart (there are more bands in Sweden than there are people) has inspired me many times, i hope it inspires you as well.
it’s not my first time around this terrain. i’m a veteran phoenix; each new era burning brighter than the last (and each crash becoming more silent than the one before.) i once again am meeting myself at a new beginning, eager and hopeful, but also somewhat…tired of the process. yet, i wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. i honestly think stagnancy is death to the creative soul. i believe it’s good to be shaken up every now and then, to have everything you’ve come to recognize become unrecognizable. i think it’s healthy to seek change, as often as one may like. artists shouldn’t remain in one place, for our works are external expression of our inward growth.
perhaps that is why i feel bored of my own works. i’ve been in a spiritual war for a number of years now, one in which i lost sight of myself and all that i was created to be. it felt as if i was being pulled in every direction and those i surrounded myself with were a part of that tug of war. it was…to be frank- a nightmare. i shielded myself and fought to recuperate what little bits of me were left.
in my most recent battle i found myself completely, only to realize that i didn’t recognize her anymore. i didn’t want to be her anymore. my experiences taught me valuable lessons that could no longer resonate with the person i once was, she wouldn’t be able to understand it. i had to shed her completely, along with her old life and the same old war she had been fighting.
i wanted to meet the warrior who was victorious in the end against the opposition, not the naive face that blindly walked into the war. so i did what i know best, i regenerated. and through that regeneration i was able unlock myself, unblock myself from what was holding me back as an artist. i decided to be as free as one could be because nothing but God can detain me, not myself or my 3am doubts.
here i am once more, boundless and unraveling, living as the creation i was made to be.